Flat-lined

Being unemployed is like standing before a giant blank canvas, holding a paint palette stocked with every color of the rainbow in one hand and a brand new, super bristly brush in the other.
So much open space and time, combined with the possibility of nearly limitless opportunities, all at once, is too overwhelming. Not to mention the hot-breath pressure from your peers, friends, family, all standing over your shoulder - waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting.

The last days I have felt flat-lined. Uninspired, doubtful, trapped. I can't move due to family obligations. What to do next? Truth be told - going back to work in that corporate world where I'm just a machine to do work, and where, at any given moment the earth could split open in another cut-back, lay-off tremor and swallow you whole. And there you are, back where you started, only with a little bit less of your soul.

Life is filled with "not fair's" but, really, why does it have to be? When did it become a crime to watch your life flat-line, just because?

Modern Clutter or Distractions, Distractions, Distractions

Busy, busy, busy, busy.

Everyday, all day, every second, every minute. Busy.  Text messages, emails, it's your turn to play a game, someone's calling (I forget that's the primary purpose of a phone these days), all this just from the phone that's attached to you more than your wallet and your own life.
Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
Tumblr
Blogs
Advertisements/ commercials
Buy this, read that
News
Jobs
Money
Busy, busy, busy, busy. We're so distracted and busy that we need to schedule time for relaxation.
Vacations are no longer that. Even then you are expected to be reachable.

No time for this, no time for that, no time for sleep, no time for relationships, no time for love, no time to breathe, no time to listen, no time to see, no time to feel. Strive, be successful, grow, climb, cultivate, squeeze more blood. Earn more to buy more.

Juggle, juggle, juggle. Much like the circus performer in the middle of the ring. All eyes on me. Don't drop anything, display perfectionism.

How many times do we pick up our phone in one day, one hour? Probably more times than we pick up our own child or pet a dog or smell a flower.

Control, choices. Are they ours? Perhaps my musings are all the same.

But what if....

You're not busy? What's wrong with you? You're weird! Simpleton.

 Unplug. Turn off the TV. Experience life. Focus on the patterns created by light and shadow.

Experiencing life, has now become a luxury, when it should be as involuntary as the breaths you take.  It's all in your hands, your eyes, your ears, your touch. It's all there.

Everyone is agitated, unhappy and ungrateful for everything they themselves worked for.
I will probably find a job, sell my soul to a boss or company to whom you are just a drone. Expected to give my time. more than I choose because there is too much work and not enough people to fulfill it, for pay that is not worth my time or experience or knowledge. Then what.  It's up to me.

And yes, I own an iphone. No, I do not have cable (I have netflix!).

Happiness is.....

Sitting here, cozy in my fleece pants and bathrobe and feeling the cool warmth of late morning sun, I ponder happiness.

Happiness is......

- Looking like a Victoria Secret's Model.
- Having a luxury car, fully loaded.
- Expensive handbags.
- Silk and lace undergarments.
- Big house with all the trappings.
- A Tiffany ring adorning that perfectly manicured finger.
- A perfect boyfriend.
- A perfect, well-paying job.

Wait.

Yes, that's happiness perhaps, to some.  But, not joy.
Happiness is wonderful, happiness is needed.

But, happiness can be a mask. A bright and intricately adorned mask with beads, feathers, and sequins. A mask that makes you feel wonderful, luxurious, beautiful, heavenly even.
Once that ornate happiness mask is removed, then what? Is there joy hidden beneath continuing that crest of dazzling euphoria?

I've learned there's nothing wrong with striving for more, for wanting a better life. But I've also learned not to let that potential future ruin the joy of what we are living today, and to overlook the creative process or journey of getting there. Because, it's all a creative process, whether you're creative or not.
Life is filled with creativity and wonder. Maybe some of us are more gifted in seeing that. Imagination is more important than we give credit. Find it, hold on to it, use its light as your guide.

The Dashed - - - - - - - - Life

How to stave off the holiday doldrums? Wander the malls and window shop without hardly an extra dollar to snatch up that oh-so-not really, but-it-is-necessary-super-cheap-purchase.

I've begun to notice that I live my life, when not working or even when I am, in a sort of dashed sequence of existence. Start, stop, start, stop, start again, and so on. Is this normal for everyone? I feel like an old person who after years of driving still feels the need to hit the breaks every few feet, but maybe for different reasons. Yoga, as much as I enjoy it and feel the wash of positive effects, lose interest. My writers group which met only twice a month and gave me joy to be in the company of such a great group of intelligent people, has faded like an overused battery in a....well, never mind.

Maybe it's the murkiness of the shorter and colder days that has seeped in pulling me into the cozy trenches of a fuzzy blanketed winter rut. If I could've met the 20-year old me, I would've told her - look you're not cut out for the conventional 9-5 life. You get too easily bored. Face it. And look for a career that is not the 9-5, so you can thrive.

And now the electricity is once again waning, the restlessness is setting in. I need to be recharged.

My relationships even all have had a short shelf-life, though not at my voluntary choice. At least not consciously. I still think about the last guy I was dating. He too disappeared after about 3 months. Just stopped calling. Bam, cold-turkey. Of course I chose to date someone who wasn't ready for a relationship. But I still think about him and miss him, even through the haze of anger for his completely disrespecting behavior, of course I still want him to call me.

I just realized, I stopped in the middle of writing this post to make a call, turn on my air freshener....I think there's a term for that - A.D.D.

What would happen if I actually stuck to something. Can I stick to something?
It may not be in my DNA. The answer to be revealed.....next year?

26 days

In 26 days the year 2013 comes to a close. Another year bites the dust.

As with every year New Year's Eve and holiday season, the welcome of a pending new year always brings the hope of a new year filled with fresh new chances and sparkling opportunities.

I'm tired of that crap.

Of course, life is a roller coaster with ups and downs. That's life and it will never change.
But I'm tired of "waiting to be rescued" by a new year in white, shining armor filled with resolutions promising to make my life better, that for the most part are ubiquitous to the human race or at least in the Western hemisphere. Resolutions that fall out of "shiny new penny" status by January 16th. Living healthy, (eating and exercising, okay the exercise thing is a challenge), being happier, more grateful, blah, blah blah, etc.. those shouldn't be resolutions, they should just be a way of life. Yes, I know it's not always that easy and we're not all perfect.

I have spent the last couple hours reflecting and writing, and my fingers are cramped and sore.

Instead of stale resolutions and cardboard hopes for a brighter, healthier, wealthier 2014, I've decided instead to conquer my fears in 2014.

In the last couple hours, I have come face to face with my fears. And I'm not talking about my fear of spiders or trying some strange new exotic dish.
Fears that have been holding me back. Fears that probably have been the reason I have prayed for the rescue of that new year to provide hope and substance to what I have been missing all my life.

While I do believe not in focusing on the negative but the positive, perhaps it's time to be counter-intuitive. These negatives need a dose of the "care bear stare" to break me through to the other side.

So, while everyone is concentrating on their resolutions to be more this or that, I will be focusing on my un-resolutions, wielding my proverbial machete and conquering my 6 great fears - yes, I came up with 6.

...And yes one of my fears is actually proclaiming myself with 'ringing affirmation' as a writer, not just someone who likes to write.

Here's to 2014. New Year, New Me, New You.