Everything

She needs me to be her everything. Because her everything died twenty-some years ago.
And again, thirteen years ago.  And yet again, eight years ago.
Somehow along the way, I've made myself responsible for her tragic circumstances. Because my heart bled for my poor, aging grandma. Because she's family. Because I love her. And because there is no one else.

She needs me to be her companion, her cook, her chauffeur, her therapist, her friend, her granddaughter, her caretaker. For 8 years, in some way, shape or form I have been.

It's the 'need' that is suffocating me. The 'need' is a vampire sucking the life from my soul.
The guilt of feeling suffocated is crushing me.

Yesterday she called me. "I'm sick," her voice cracked over the phone, sounding like someone trying to play hooky from work on a warm, sunny day.
Her ailment was not illness, it was loneliness. And I am her panacea.

Her doctor suggested, multiple times, a therapist to deal with the anxiety.         She said no.
I suggested living in the same active senior community with her sister.             She said no.
The adult center, where seniors play games and enjoy luncheons is nearby.      She said no.
Repeatedly, I brought up the idea of a part-time caregiver.                                She said No.

Why should she. She has me.

I am not in my 60's and retired. I'm not even 40, yet. And because I'm an independent woman, The guilt swallows me for being busy. For her self-pity. No time for the woman who's not busy at all.  "I don't call to say hi because I know you're busy. I don't want to bother you."

My mother used to do the same thing. When I decided I didn't want to be her therapist anymore,
I was made to feel guilty.  "I don't talk to you anymore, because I know you don't like it."

No relationship can survive when one person is wholly dependent on the other.  Its a simple fact.

She needs a life outside of me. Despite her advancing age, her mind is still pretty sharp, sharper than her slowly, crumbling body.

Now after 8 years, I realize I can no longer be responsible for the obstacles she puts in her own way.
I have my own obstacles to deal with.

All I want is to just be her granddaughter.

Not her her everything.