This morning I made eggs with chopped tomato and basil paired
with a side of whole wheat toast drizzled (okay, accidentally, sorta drenched)
with olive oil. Fresh, healthy; a breakfast that could only be made by someone
who has a lotta time in the morning. Someone say, unemployed.
Once again here I am. My last endeavor was not a good fit. The
feeling suffice to say was mutual. Now, cast out into the uncertain crowded blue sea
of job hunters, I'm reminded of that scene in Alice and Wonderland where the
characters are engaged in a 'caucus race'. Frantically they ran round and round
and round - with such purpose. Really, all they were doing was running in
dizzying circles, going nowhere. They believed they were going somewhere.
That's how I feel about looking for a job. Sometimes that's how I feel about
life. Slap a fancy name to anything and it'll sound important and necessary.
Each day I walked into that office feeling I wasn't truly who I
was there. I couldn't wait until 5 o'clock, or the weekend, so that I could
transform back into me. Maybe it was the environment, so bland and uncreative.
Alas, it's a job, the evil necessity of adulthood. Does it really matter who you are, or being true to a you that you haven't quite figured out?
You go in, you do your job, collect your paycheck. If you're really lucky, it
turns into a career path, better opportunity. This one didn't.
While in the shower this morning sudsing away the ego-shattering
events of the day before, I had a realization. A very disturbing realization.
For nearly 6 years I have been a yo-yo in my own life. My job status comprised
of a collection of lay-offs and contract positions leaving me swinging in an
in-between space of nothingness, just waiting for the next opportunity to snap
me up again. My relationships....not that much different. They too seem to be
on a contract basis. While the realization wasn't that groundbreaking,
the realization of how much time had passed stung like soap dripping in my
eyes.
Where did I go wrong? How do I become the person driving the
yo-yo instead of the swinging yo-yo itself? And why the hell do some have it so easy?
I'm not someone who does well with structure. I know that. Do I need to betray
who I am and give-in to the structure I find so binding to find the success I keep chasing? I
don't plan well, I'm not methodical, first item on my to-do list is to make a
to-do list. Yet, I have expectations, dreams for myself,
ambitions I can't implement. I feel like I'm trying to drink a glass
of wine while in a straitjacket.
Where does it end, or begin?
