I am here

It's been awhile since I've posted. I'm trying to get better. And I'll try to write everyday. Try.


Already it's warm and it's still fairly early, summer has finally arrived in Los Angeles. It's going to be a beautiful and busy day. Lunch with a friend in Pasadena, afternoon yoga class (if it's not too hot) and then I start my early evening, once weekly salsa class. I finally signed up, yay me!

The last few days, okay, weeks I have slowly embarked on a road to change, sparked by flashbulbs of epiphanies. I have struggled with relationships, yes, who hasn't? But, as I look at my friends who have all been in long-term relationships, I am the odd man out. I've never had a long-term relationship.  And to add to that, I now have to deal with the collapse of my career and extended unemployment. Which has led me to my newest epiphany:

I'm someone who is always in my head.

My mind is constantly looping, running and racing, at times like an out of control roller coaster.  It's never off. Ever. But it's the looping that's the biggest issue. My thoughts, targeted at a specific issue are like a song that's on repeat. This is something that's been going on since I was probably a teenager. I assumed everyone was like that. Especially now. I read articles online and in magazines about stress and how in our society it's rampant. So, of course everyone deals with it.

And in addition to the ever-looping, auto-repeats going on, I take upcoming events and start predicting how they will turn out - from start to finish. I will have already built out expectations of how something will take place before it's even happened. Even something as simple as lunch with a friend. New guys I meet, I begin predicting when they will call, or ask me out. I start analyzing patterns and making prediction. All of this leads to failed expectations and causes my mind to start looping, laced with negative thoughts of failure from my manufactured expectations.

Then I discovered there's an actual term, and why wouldn't there be? Rumination.

This looping and spinning of thoughts that go above and beyond the normal clatter of what goes on in a person's mind.

This realization, this information, this new awareness has prompted a me to seriously step back.
I am never in the present. I am always in the future. Living in a future world that doesn't yet exist, that may never exist.  A future created by own imagination.

This is where mindfulness my help to save my life.  I must learn to be here. Now. One day at a time. One hour at a time if necessary. I'm hoping this will change this life that has been on repeat, not being able to move forward, for more years than should ever be allowed.