Patience leads to a rational tomorrow

This morning I woke exhausted, restless, and hot and sticky under the growing humidity.  My alarm sounded off reminding me that I had just drifted off to sleep only a few hours prior. My mind was on overdrive, not allowing me to sleep. Again.


 In trying to sift through the gaggle of thoughts flying through my head the night before, I realized something.  My thoughts are forcing impatience. I know I have made decisions simply to shut my mind up. Under the guise that if I find some kind of closure to the relentless march in my head, and to quite possibly bring that future scenario (no matter how realistic or not) I've conjured in my head to fruition sooner rather than later, then I'll be free. At least free to be filled up with the next unrelenting march of a new topic. Unfortunately these decisions tend to be rash and the next day or even the next hour I question and fret about the decision of closure I just made. Fueling the never-ending cycle.

 I started questioning what life is. What it means for me, what I want out of it and do we really have any clue what life is about.  Of course the answer is as unique to each individual as the individual themselves. But, I think the bottom line is that life is about happiness. Do what makes you happy. Of course I could say, what would make me happy is to hop on a plane and fly to Paris tonight. But I think, like a designer who is working within given parameters, it's about designing that happiness to fit within your own unique parameters. Money doesn't always equate happiness, although I think it can sometimes if it's not taken for granted. We all need to live a little comfortably to afford that vacation or occasional splurge. But paramount to finding happiness is to do everyday what you love, what awakens your passion, even if it's just for a little bit. Be inspired to want to get out of bed in the morning to indulge your sense of sight, sound, taste, and touch a little everyday.Those senses should be appreciated because that's what makes the world come alive. Stare at the sky, listen to music, smell a rose, run your finger's down a piece of silk. Collect experiences like a stamp collection. Just do something. Other than work to live. And remember to breathe and believe.

I am here

It's been awhile since I've posted. I'm trying to get better. And I'll try to write everyday. Try.


Already it's warm and it's still fairly early, summer has finally arrived in Los Angeles. It's going to be a beautiful and busy day. Lunch with a friend in Pasadena, afternoon yoga class (if it's not too hot) and then I start my early evening, once weekly salsa class. I finally signed up, yay me!

The last few days, okay, weeks I have slowly embarked on a road to change, sparked by flashbulbs of epiphanies. I have struggled with relationships, yes, who hasn't? But, as I look at my friends who have all been in long-term relationships, I am the odd man out. I've never had a long-term relationship.  And to add to that, I now have to deal with the collapse of my career and extended unemployment. Which has led me to my newest epiphany:

I'm someone who is always in my head.

My mind is constantly looping, running and racing, at times like an out of control roller coaster.  It's never off. Ever. But it's the looping that's the biggest issue. My thoughts, targeted at a specific issue are like a song that's on repeat. This is something that's been going on since I was probably a teenager. I assumed everyone was like that. Especially now. I read articles online and in magazines about stress and how in our society it's rampant. So, of course everyone deals with it.

And in addition to the ever-looping, auto-repeats going on, I take upcoming events and start predicting how they will turn out - from start to finish. I will have already built out expectations of how something will take place before it's even happened. Even something as simple as lunch with a friend. New guys I meet, I begin predicting when they will call, or ask me out. I start analyzing patterns and making prediction. All of this leads to failed expectations and causes my mind to start looping, laced with negative thoughts of failure from my manufactured expectations.

Then I discovered there's an actual term, and why wouldn't there be? Rumination.

This looping and spinning of thoughts that go above and beyond the normal clatter of what goes on in a person's mind.

This realization, this information, this new awareness has prompted a me to seriously step back.
I am never in the present. I am always in the future. Living in a future world that doesn't yet exist, that may never exist.  A future created by own imagination.

This is where mindfulness my help to save my life.  I must learn to be here. Now. One day at a time. One hour at a time if necessary. I'm hoping this will change this life that has been on repeat, not being able to move forward, for more years than should ever be allowed.