A quiet corner to quiet my cornered mind

Do you ever ask yourself if you have the grown-up version of ADD?
(Okay, I think it's called ADHD, these days).

Perhaps the other, approved name is multi-tasking, which of course makes it okay, even triumphant, to have a lack of singular focus. There's always so much going on inside our heads, it's crazy.

I've been working on my book. A re-write. Yet, I can't sit for more than 20 minutes without finding myself 'stuck.' I don't know where to go next in the story so I find myself playing with my iphone or browsing through my favorite websites - that I've already browsed through 20 minutes earlier.

I check prices of flights to Spain and now Argentina. I can't decide if I want to spend the (lots of) money to travel because I have the time. I desperately need a break from my current reality. Who knows when I'll find a job again. I need to take my grandma to the DMV, to get her her hair done, to get that blood test. I need to sign her up for Access Transportation. I still need to make breakfast. And what about that guy I was sort of dating, but not really? Of course I haven't heard from again. He kisses me good-bye, but I hardly see or hear from him. He's busy running his company, traveling constantly for work.
I need to look for work, apply for unemployment (can't believe I still haven't done that), take the spots of chipping nail polish off my fingers. I need to practice yoga daily, even if it's at home to prolong my class series at the studio I go to.

And my career. What about that career. What was it again? I can't remember.
I have a friend, she is a graphic designer. She's content where she is, working hard, overly hard for a company that hasn't given her a raise in almost 2 years, and at any minute could lay her off. That's the case in most companies these days. The point is, she's content. She has a job that pays the bills. I wonder if it's better to be content, and not so ambitious, than to be always dealing with the failure of your ambitions and dreams.


Maybe I need to go back to that quiet corner and just sit there for a couple hours (leaving the phone with internet access in the car)  until I force myself to find my focus. Where will I end up next?
I haven't grown up, I've only grown older.

Unstructured Yo-Yo

This morning I made eggs with chopped tomato and basil paired with a side of whole wheat toast drizzled (okay, accidentally, sorta drenched) with olive oil. Fresh, healthy; a breakfast that could only be made by someone who has a lotta time in the morning. Someone say, unemployed.

Once again here I am. My last endeavor was not a good fit. The feeling suffice to say was mutual. Now, cast out into the uncertain crowded blue sea of job hunters, I'm reminded of that scene in Alice and Wonderland where the characters are engaged in a 'caucus race'. Frantically they ran round and round and round - with such purpose. Really, all they were doing was running in dizzying circles, going nowhere. They believed they were going somewhere. That's how I feel about looking for a job. Sometimes that's how I feel about life. Slap a fancy name to anything and it'll sound important and necessary.

Each day I walked into that office feeling I wasn't truly who I was there. I couldn't wait until 5 o'clock, or the weekend, so that I could transform back into me. Maybe it was the environment, so bland and uncreative. Alas, it's a job, the evil necessity of adulthood. Does it really matter who you are, or being true to a you that you haven't quite figured out? You go in, you do your job, collect your paycheck. If you're really lucky, it turns into a career path, better opportunity. This one didn't.

While in the shower this morning sudsing away the ego-shattering events of the day before, I had a realization. A very disturbing realization. For nearly 6 years I have been a yo-yo in my own life. My job status comprised of a collection of lay-offs and contract positions leaving me swinging in an in-between space of nothingness, just waiting for the next opportunity to snap me up again. My relationships....not that much different. They too seem to be on a contract basis. While the realization wasn't that groundbreaking, the realization of how much time had passed stung like soap dripping in my eyes.

Where did I go wrong? How do I become the person driving the yo-yo instead of the swinging yo-yo itself? And why the hell do some have it so easy?

I'm not someone who does well with structure. I know that. Do I need to betray who I am and give-in to the structure I find so binding to find the success I keep chasing? I don't plan well, I'm not methodical, first item on my to-do list is to make a to-do list. Yet, I have expectations, dreams for myself, ambitions I can't implement. I feel like I'm trying to drink a glass of wine while in a straitjacket.

Where does it end, or begin?

Flat-lined

Being unemployed is like standing before a giant blank canvas, holding a paint palette stocked with every color of the rainbow in one hand and a brand new, super bristly brush in the other.
So much open space and time, combined with the possibility of nearly limitless opportunities, all at once, is too overwhelming. Not to mention the hot-breath pressure from your peers, friends, family, all standing over your shoulder - waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting.

The last days I have felt flat-lined. Uninspired, doubtful, trapped. I can't move due to family obligations. What to do next? Truth be told - going back to work in that corporate world where I'm just a machine to do work, and where, at any given moment the earth could split open in another cut-back, lay-off tremor and swallow you whole. And there you are, back where you started, only with a little bit less of your soul.

Life is filled with "not fair's" but, really, why does it have to be? When did it become a crime to watch your life flat-line, just because?

Modern Clutter or Distractions, Distractions, Distractions

Busy, busy, busy, busy.

Everyday, all day, every second, every minute. Busy.  Text messages, emails, it's your turn to play a game, someone's calling (I forget that's the primary purpose of a phone these days), all this just from the phone that's attached to you more than your wallet and your own life.
Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
Tumblr
Blogs
Advertisements/ commercials
Buy this, read that
News
Jobs
Money
Busy, busy, busy, busy. We're so distracted and busy that we need to schedule time for relaxation.
Vacations are no longer that. Even then you are expected to be reachable.

No time for this, no time for that, no time for sleep, no time for relationships, no time for love, no time to breathe, no time to listen, no time to see, no time to feel. Strive, be successful, grow, climb, cultivate, squeeze more blood. Earn more to buy more.

Juggle, juggle, juggle. Much like the circus performer in the middle of the ring. All eyes on me. Don't drop anything, display perfectionism.

How many times do we pick up our phone in one day, one hour? Probably more times than we pick up our own child or pet a dog or smell a flower.

Control, choices. Are they ours? Perhaps my musings are all the same.

But what if....

You're not busy? What's wrong with you? You're weird! Simpleton.

 Unplug. Turn off the TV. Experience life. Focus on the patterns created by light and shadow.

Experiencing life, has now become a luxury, when it should be as involuntary as the breaths you take.  It's all in your hands, your eyes, your ears, your touch. It's all there.

Everyone is agitated, unhappy and ungrateful for everything they themselves worked for.
I will probably find a job, sell my soul to a boss or company to whom you are just a drone. Expected to give my time. more than I choose because there is too much work and not enough people to fulfill it, for pay that is not worth my time or experience or knowledge. Then what.  It's up to me.

And yes, I own an iphone. No, I do not have cable (I have netflix!).

Happiness is.....

Sitting here, cozy in my fleece pants and bathrobe and feeling the cool warmth of late morning sun, I ponder happiness.

Happiness is......

- Looking like a Victoria Secret's Model.
- Having a luxury car, fully loaded.
- Expensive handbags.
- Silk and lace undergarments.
- Big house with all the trappings.
- A Tiffany ring adorning that perfectly manicured finger.
- A perfect boyfriend.
- A perfect, well-paying job.

Wait.

Yes, that's happiness perhaps, to some.  But, not joy.
Happiness is wonderful, happiness is needed.

But, happiness can be a mask. A bright and intricately adorned mask with beads, feathers, and sequins. A mask that makes you feel wonderful, luxurious, beautiful, heavenly even.
Once that ornate happiness mask is removed, then what? Is there joy hidden beneath continuing that crest of dazzling euphoria?

I've learned there's nothing wrong with striving for more, for wanting a better life. But I've also learned not to let that potential future ruin the joy of what we are living today, and to overlook the creative process or journey of getting there. Because, it's all a creative process, whether you're creative or not.
Life is filled with creativity and wonder. Maybe some of us are more gifted in seeing that. Imagination is more important than we give credit. Find it, hold on to it, use its light as your guide.

The Dashed - - - - - - - - Life

How to stave off the holiday doldrums? Wander the malls and window shop without hardly an extra dollar to snatch up that oh-so-not really, but-it-is-necessary-super-cheap-purchase.

I've begun to notice that I live my life, when not working or even when I am, in a sort of dashed sequence of existence. Start, stop, start, stop, start again, and so on. Is this normal for everyone? I feel like an old person who after years of driving still feels the need to hit the breaks every few feet, but maybe for different reasons. Yoga, as much as I enjoy it and feel the wash of positive effects, lose interest. My writers group which met only twice a month and gave me joy to be in the company of such a great group of intelligent people, has faded like an overused battery in a....well, never mind.

Maybe it's the murkiness of the shorter and colder days that has seeped in pulling me into the cozy trenches of a fuzzy blanketed winter rut. If I could've met the 20-year old me, I would've told her - look you're not cut out for the conventional 9-5 life. You get too easily bored. Face it. And look for a career that is not the 9-5, so you can thrive.

And now the electricity is once again waning, the restlessness is setting in. I need to be recharged.

My relationships even all have had a short shelf-life, though not at my voluntary choice. At least not consciously. I still think about the last guy I was dating. He too disappeared after about 3 months. Just stopped calling. Bam, cold-turkey. Of course I chose to date someone who wasn't ready for a relationship. But I still think about him and miss him, even through the haze of anger for his completely disrespecting behavior, of course I still want him to call me.

I just realized, I stopped in the middle of writing this post to make a call, turn on my air freshener....I think there's a term for that - A.D.D.

What would happen if I actually stuck to something. Can I stick to something?
It may not be in my DNA. The answer to be revealed.....next year?

26 days

In 26 days the year 2013 comes to a close. Another year bites the dust.

As with every year New Year's Eve and holiday season, the welcome of a pending new year always brings the hope of a new year filled with fresh new chances and sparkling opportunities.

I'm tired of that crap.

Of course, life is a roller coaster with ups and downs. That's life and it will never change.
But I'm tired of "waiting to be rescued" by a new year in white, shining armor filled with resolutions promising to make my life better, that for the most part are ubiquitous to the human race or at least in the Western hemisphere. Resolutions that fall out of "shiny new penny" status by January 16th. Living healthy, (eating and exercising, okay the exercise thing is a challenge), being happier, more grateful, blah, blah blah, etc.. those shouldn't be resolutions, they should just be a way of life. Yes, I know it's not always that easy and we're not all perfect.

I have spent the last couple hours reflecting and writing, and my fingers are cramped and sore.

Instead of stale resolutions and cardboard hopes for a brighter, healthier, wealthier 2014, I've decided instead to conquer my fears in 2014.

In the last couple hours, I have come face to face with my fears. And I'm not talking about my fear of spiders or trying some strange new exotic dish.
Fears that have been holding me back. Fears that probably have been the reason I have prayed for the rescue of that new year to provide hope and substance to what I have been missing all my life.

While I do believe not in focusing on the negative but the positive, perhaps it's time to be counter-intuitive. These negatives need a dose of the "care bear stare" to break me through to the other side.

So, while everyone is concentrating on their resolutions to be more this or that, I will be focusing on my un-resolutions, wielding my proverbial machete and conquering my 6 great fears - yes, I came up with 6.

...And yes one of my fears is actually proclaiming myself with 'ringing affirmation' as a writer, not just someone who likes to write.

Here's to 2014. New Year, New Me, New You.