Flat-lined

Being unemployed is like standing before a giant blank canvas, holding a paint palette stocked with every color of the rainbow in one hand and a brand new, super bristly brush in the other.
So much open space and time, combined with the possibility of nearly limitless opportunities, all at once, is too overwhelming. Not to mention the hot-breath pressure from your peers, friends, family, all standing over your shoulder - waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting.

The last days I have felt flat-lined. Uninspired, doubtful, trapped. I can't move due to family obligations. What to do next? Truth be told - going back to work in that corporate world where I'm just a machine to do work, and where, at any given moment the earth could split open in another cut-back, lay-off tremor and swallow you whole. And there you are, back where you started, only with a little bit less of your soul.

Life is filled with "not fair's" but, really, why does it have to be? When did it become a crime to watch your life flat-line, just because?

Modern Clutter or Distractions, Distractions, Distractions

Busy, busy, busy, busy.

Everyday, all day, every second, every minute. Busy.  Text messages, emails, it's your turn to play a game, someone's calling (I forget that's the primary purpose of a phone these days), all this just from the phone that's attached to you more than your wallet and your own life.
Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
Tumblr
Blogs
Advertisements/ commercials
Buy this, read that
News
Jobs
Money
Busy, busy, busy, busy. We're so distracted and busy that we need to schedule time for relaxation.
Vacations are no longer that. Even then you are expected to be reachable.

No time for this, no time for that, no time for sleep, no time for relationships, no time for love, no time to breathe, no time to listen, no time to see, no time to feel. Strive, be successful, grow, climb, cultivate, squeeze more blood. Earn more to buy more.

Juggle, juggle, juggle. Much like the circus performer in the middle of the ring. All eyes on me. Don't drop anything, display perfectionism.

How many times do we pick up our phone in one day, one hour? Probably more times than we pick up our own child or pet a dog or smell a flower.

Control, choices. Are they ours? Perhaps my musings are all the same.

But what if....

You're not busy? What's wrong with you? You're weird! Simpleton.

 Unplug. Turn off the TV. Experience life. Focus on the patterns created by light and shadow.

Experiencing life, has now become a luxury, when it should be as involuntary as the breaths you take.  It's all in your hands, your eyes, your ears, your touch. It's all there.

Everyone is agitated, unhappy and ungrateful for everything they themselves worked for.
I will probably find a job, sell my soul to a boss or company to whom you are just a drone. Expected to give my time. more than I choose because there is too much work and not enough people to fulfill it, for pay that is not worth my time or experience or knowledge. Then what.  It's up to me.

And yes, I own an iphone. No, I do not have cable (I have netflix!).

Happiness is.....

Sitting here, cozy in my fleece pants and bathrobe and feeling the cool warmth of late morning sun, I ponder happiness.

Happiness is......

- Looking like a Victoria Secret's Model.
- Having a luxury car, fully loaded.
- Expensive handbags.
- Silk and lace undergarments.
- Big house with all the trappings.
- A Tiffany ring adorning that perfectly manicured finger.
- A perfect boyfriend.
- A perfect, well-paying job.

Wait.

Yes, that's happiness perhaps, to some.  But, not joy.
Happiness is wonderful, happiness is needed.

But, happiness can be a mask. A bright and intricately adorned mask with beads, feathers, and sequins. A mask that makes you feel wonderful, luxurious, beautiful, heavenly even.
Once that ornate happiness mask is removed, then what? Is there joy hidden beneath continuing that crest of dazzling euphoria?

I've learned there's nothing wrong with striving for more, for wanting a better life. But I've also learned not to let that potential future ruin the joy of what we are living today, and to overlook the creative process or journey of getting there. Because, it's all a creative process, whether you're creative or not.
Life is filled with creativity and wonder. Maybe some of us are more gifted in seeing that. Imagination is more important than we give credit. Find it, hold on to it, use its light as your guide.

The Dashed - - - - - - - - Life

How to stave off the holiday doldrums? Wander the malls and window shop without hardly an extra dollar to snatch up that oh-so-not really, but-it-is-necessary-super-cheap-purchase.

I've begun to notice that I live my life, when not working or even when I am, in a sort of dashed sequence of existence. Start, stop, start, stop, start again, and so on. Is this normal for everyone? I feel like an old person who after years of driving still feels the need to hit the breaks every few feet, but maybe for different reasons. Yoga, as much as I enjoy it and feel the wash of positive effects, lose interest. My writers group which met only twice a month and gave me joy to be in the company of such a great group of intelligent people, has faded like an overused battery in a....well, never mind.

Maybe it's the murkiness of the shorter and colder days that has seeped in pulling me into the cozy trenches of a fuzzy blanketed winter rut. If I could've met the 20-year old me, I would've told her - look you're not cut out for the conventional 9-5 life. You get too easily bored. Face it. And look for a career that is not the 9-5, so you can thrive.

And now the electricity is once again waning, the restlessness is setting in. I need to be recharged.

My relationships even all have had a short shelf-life, though not at my voluntary choice. At least not consciously. I still think about the last guy I was dating. He too disappeared after about 3 months. Just stopped calling. Bam, cold-turkey. Of course I chose to date someone who wasn't ready for a relationship. But I still think about him and miss him, even through the haze of anger for his completely disrespecting behavior, of course I still want him to call me.

I just realized, I stopped in the middle of writing this post to make a call, turn on my air freshener....I think there's a term for that - A.D.D.

What would happen if I actually stuck to something. Can I stick to something?
It may not be in my DNA. The answer to be revealed.....next year?

26 days

In 26 days the year 2013 comes to a close. Another year bites the dust.

As with every year New Year's Eve and holiday season, the welcome of a pending new year always brings the hope of a new year filled with fresh new chances and sparkling opportunities.

I'm tired of that crap.

Of course, life is a roller coaster with ups and downs. That's life and it will never change.
But I'm tired of "waiting to be rescued" by a new year in white, shining armor filled with resolutions promising to make my life better, that for the most part are ubiquitous to the human race or at least in the Western hemisphere. Resolutions that fall out of "shiny new penny" status by January 16th. Living healthy, (eating and exercising, okay the exercise thing is a challenge), being happier, more grateful, blah, blah blah, etc.. those shouldn't be resolutions, they should just be a way of life. Yes, I know it's not always that easy and we're not all perfect.

I have spent the last couple hours reflecting and writing, and my fingers are cramped and sore.

Instead of stale resolutions and cardboard hopes for a brighter, healthier, wealthier 2014, I've decided instead to conquer my fears in 2014.

In the last couple hours, I have come face to face with my fears. And I'm not talking about my fear of spiders or trying some strange new exotic dish.
Fears that have been holding me back. Fears that probably have been the reason I have prayed for the rescue of that new year to provide hope and substance to what I have been missing all my life.

While I do believe not in focusing on the negative but the positive, perhaps it's time to be counter-intuitive. These negatives need a dose of the "care bear stare" to break me through to the other side.

So, while everyone is concentrating on their resolutions to be more this or that, I will be focusing on my un-resolutions, wielding my proverbial machete and conquering my 6 great fears - yes, I came up with 6.

...And yes one of my fears is actually proclaiming myself with 'ringing affirmation' as a writer, not just someone who likes to write.

Here's to 2014. New Year, New Me, New You.

Indulge!

As the months flip by ever faster and we are on that speeding trajectory straight toward the end of the year, I have to remind myself to stop and stand still and simply look around.

Indulge. Indulge yourself in life. Experience. Experience it all in real life.  Indulge your senses, all 5 of them. That's what they are there for, that's what they want.

Pleasure. It's such a great word. One that, I think, unfortunately conjures images of debauchery and sin, these days. But without pleasure, we are only drowned in a world of pain. Pleasure, delights. 

Sure, we can listen to songs on the radio or our devices, but there is no substitute for hearing that music, or your favorite song, live. To actually feel the music, the melody reverberate through our core as it seeps through our skin.

Taste the sweetness of life. Your favorite food or dessert. Indulge in a little treat for yourself, once a day, and savor it without guilt only pleasure. It will be but a small but significant reminder in the spinning chaos of life to smile and be grateful - for the little things.

Touch life. Feel the skin and warmth of your beloved or loved ones. Find that perfect smoothness of silk or the comfort of warm cotton sheets.

See the golden sun drip around you. Or the thick green leaves of trees against that perfect blue of the flat clear sky. Find that little green plant defiantly sticking up between the harsh square of cement on the sidewalk.

And lastly, stop and smell the roses.

It's all around you. Every minute of every day. You just need to see it. Or learn to see it. 

Not everything is as it seems.

Too hot to post!

It's a few degrees cooler today. Just a few. The last few days have seem me do not much else than restlessly wander around my sweltering apartment, take a nap on the couch and generally try to not be consumed by the heat. Oh, did I mention I don't have AC?

I have much work to do, but it's like my brain is expanding as a result of this heat, pushing up against the walls of my cranium and leaving me with nothing but confused, cottony thoughts.

Instead, I picked up In-N-Out and brought it to my grandmother's house for lunch.

Is this heat an excuse to lose my concentration, my focus. What would happen if I had to live through these sweltering, humid temperatures the entire summer? I hardly think that would be carte blanche to dismiss several months of my life to 'heat exhaustion.'

So, as an ode to the heady, sweaty Los Angeles summer, I have posted another quintessential California icon.
Palm Trees swaying behind In-N-Out.

Inspiration or Outspiration

It's hard to believe that under these bright clear skies, inspiration seems to have become as lost as clothing on Lady Gaga. I'm excited to be working on a new piece, yet I've been stuck, without the words to paint my idea. So, yesterday afternoon I decided to seek some inspiration and cool air at the museum.


 The Norton Simon is one of my favorite museums. It's small enough to not be overwhelming with a soft intimacy but still has a wonderful collection of paintings that I never tire viewing. I even discovered their app that allowed me to listen to audio commentary through my iphone. Appreciating the colors, subjects, compositions I was hoping to saturate myself with even a sliver of their genius. If only for a minute. To feel what it must have felt for these artists to be so driven to create and to put down in color their thoughts and desires, no matter how hidden or overt in the subject.

After spending a few hours I almost felt guilty ducking out of the beautiful day to search for something I didn't know even where for to search. In the spirit of mindfulness, I think inspiration should be absorbed wherever you are. In or out.

  

Patience leads to a rational tomorrow

This morning I woke exhausted, restless, and hot and sticky under the growing humidity.  My alarm sounded off reminding me that I had just drifted off to sleep only a few hours prior. My mind was on overdrive, not allowing me to sleep. Again.


 In trying to sift through the gaggle of thoughts flying through my head the night before, I realized something.  My thoughts are forcing impatience. I know I have made decisions simply to shut my mind up. Under the guise that if I find some kind of closure to the relentless march in my head, and to quite possibly bring that future scenario (no matter how realistic or not) I've conjured in my head to fruition sooner rather than later, then I'll be free. At least free to be filled up with the next unrelenting march of a new topic. Unfortunately these decisions tend to be rash and the next day or even the next hour I question and fret about the decision of closure I just made. Fueling the never-ending cycle.

 I started questioning what life is. What it means for me, what I want out of it and do we really have any clue what life is about.  Of course the answer is as unique to each individual as the individual themselves. But, I think the bottom line is that life is about happiness. Do what makes you happy. Of course I could say, what would make me happy is to hop on a plane and fly to Paris tonight. But I think, like a designer who is working within given parameters, it's about designing that happiness to fit within your own unique parameters. Money doesn't always equate happiness, although I think it can sometimes if it's not taken for granted. We all need to live a little comfortably to afford that vacation or occasional splurge. But paramount to finding happiness is to do everyday what you love, what awakens your passion, even if it's just for a little bit. Be inspired to want to get out of bed in the morning to indulge your sense of sight, sound, taste, and touch a little everyday.Those senses should be appreciated because that's what makes the world come alive. Stare at the sky, listen to music, smell a rose, run your finger's down a piece of silk. Collect experiences like a stamp collection. Just do something. Other than work to live. And remember to breathe and believe.

I am here

It's been awhile since I've posted. I'm trying to get better. And I'll try to write everyday. Try.


Already it's warm and it's still fairly early, summer has finally arrived in Los Angeles. It's going to be a beautiful and busy day. Lunch with a friend in Pasadena, afternoon yoga class (if it's not too hot) and then I start my early evening, once weekly salsa class. I finally signed up, yay me!

The last few days, okay, weeks I have slowly embarked on a road to change, sparked by flashbulbs of epiphanies. I have struggled with relationships, yes, who hasn't? But, as I look at my friends who have all been in long-term relationships, I am the odd man out. I've never had a long-term relationship.  And to add to that, I now have to deal with the collapse of my career and extended unemployment. Which has led me to my newest epiphany:

I'm someone who is always in my head.

My mind is constantly looping, running and racing, at times like an out of control roller coaster.  It's never off. Ever. But it's the looping that's the biggest issue. My thoughts, targeted at a specific issue are like a song that's on repeat. This is something that's been going on since I was probably a teenager. I assumed everyone was like that. Especially now. I read articles online and in magazines about stress and how in our society it's rampant. So, of course everyone deals with it.

And in addition to the ever-looping, auto-repeats going on, I take upcoming events and start predicting how they will turn out - from start to finish. I will have already built out expectations of how something will take place before it's even happened. Even something as simple as lunch with a friend. New guys I meet, I begin predicting when they will call, or ask me out. I start analyzing patterns and making prediction. All of this leads to failed expectations and causes my mind to start looping, laced with negative thoughts of failure from my manufactured expectations.

Then I discovered there's an actual term, and why wouldn't there be? Rumination.

This looping and spinning of thoughts that go above and beyond the normal clatter of what goes on in a person's mind.

This realization, this information, this new awareness has prompted a me to seriously step back.
I am never in the present. I am always in the future. Living in a future world that doesn't yet exist, that may never exist.  A future created by own imagination.

This is where mindfulness my help to save my life.  I must learn to be here. Now. One day at a time. One hour at a time if necessary. I'm hoping this will change this life that has been on repeat, not being able to move forward, for more years than should ever be allowed.

And I ran away

Do you ever those days (or weeks) when the doldrums just seem to stick to you? You wander and wander around and fill your head with words that no one will ever hear and maybe, just maybe, jot them them down secretly. Hoping that to free the words will free your mind and your heart. Sometimes that doesn't always work. So, to escape I escaped. I ran away for the afternoon to Santa Barbara. I packed my bag, ready for overnight, stashed my laptop and breathed in the hope of a new adventure.

How amazingly beautiful it was. The blue sky was true, so flat and cloudless and calm. The temperature was nearly the same within and without my tortured soul. It was like floating in water. I wandered around the main drag and window shopped the cute boutiques. I had lunch with myself and with a glass of cool chardonnay. After inquiring at a couple of hotels, that were either booked or far out of my price range, (which, let's be honest...anything over $20 a night right now, is out of my price range.) I knew it was not going to last. The afternoon carried on comfortably and carefree and I knew I needed to come home. I had already RSVP'd for my writer's group that evening. Having already flaked on the last meeting, I felt I needed to go.

So, I said goodbye to my afternoon and strolled back to my car, where I new a long, arduous drive in late afternoon traffic awaited.

Still, it was worth it. Worth an afternoon where no one knew where I was. An afternoon of freedom. And I would do it again. Hopefully, with someone who's hand I can hold. If not, then just with me. I will hold my own hand.

The party begins - again!

Okay. How many times have I started and stopped blogs? Too many to count. I'm not consistent. I try. I really do. Hopefully this will be different. And by this, perhaps I mean, my life.

I have been out of work for nearly 6 months (again). This time I have filled my time with yoga and writing and other various adventures and positive experiences. Oh and looking for work, of course.

Having this free time shouldn't mean moping around and wallowing in the "I'm a loser" pool. Especially at my age. It should be an opportunity that few have to explore. Explore the city you live in - in my case Los Angeles. To explore who you are. To feel the sunshine dripping on your face, not just to see what it looks like from outside your office window (if you are lucky enough to have a window).

So, once again here I am. Shining or at least trying to. The year is over in less than 6 months.
Where will I be? Will I be in love? Employed? Will my book be launched to great success? Will my passion truly be my surfboard carrying through this tidal wave? (yes, that cheesy). But, seriously? Will it?

The countdown is on.